


Chapter 40: Ian's POV

by petricore



Category: The Host - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, POV First Person, POV Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:34:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25048486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petricore/pseuds/petricore
Summary: From the scarce, little windows of the ceilings one could see the night blooming, the sky dripping darkening cobalt, the arch of the moon climbing higher. Soon dinner would be served. Not like many people were hungry. Very few people were there, and those who were made the air heavier than it already was with gloom. I spotted grief-stricken faces.Doc hadn't succeeded, if I had to take a guess. Even though I had been against it after the first few failed trials, back when I was new to the community - when I realized all we did was dig new graves - I couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment. One would think that after so much time I'd accepted reality, but hope was a tricky thing. I couldn't help the sliver of doubt, amongst the nausea that clenched me every time, that maybe, just maybe, even though it was horrible, maybe it could be our release. Our chance to fight back. Instinct of survival brought you only so far when you had no hope of better times.I was a hypocrite, I guessed again.A One-Shot work. It's the scene where Wanda discovers the soul's genocide in Doctor's lab, but from Ian's perspective.
Relationships: Ian O'Shea/Wanderer
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	Chapter 40: Ian's POV

**Author's Note:**

> A Ian's POV dug out and revised from the good old times, when I read the Host. Please excuse possible syntax mistakes - English isn't my first, so I might fuck up the order of the words in indirect questions. If you enjoyed, feel free to leave a comment!

I kept my pace fast as I went to the kitchen. I saw how Wanda had looked at Trudy, the way mistrust had etched in her expression as she told her lies. And I knew why Wanda had kept her chin low as she asked for food, refusing to look at me.  
I sped up, almost wishing I had brought her with me.  
And yet, I knew how unfair it was, to try and keep her from discovering the truth. All she ever gave us were kindness, altruism. How were we repaying her? Killing her species, just as she started to feel like these caves could be home.  
Deep in thoughts, I almost missed the kitchen. The smell of onions, sour soup hit my nostrils as I made my way through the make-shift counters.  
From the scarce, little windows of the ceilings one could see the night blooming, the sky dripping darkening cobalt, the arch of the moon climbing higher. Soon dinner would be served. Not like many people were hungry. Very few people were there, and those who were made the air heavier than it already was with gloom. I spotted grief-stricken faces.  
Doc hadn't succeeded, if I had to take a guess. Even though I had been against it after the first few failed trials, back when I was new to the community - when I realized all we did was dig new graves - I couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment. One would think that after so much time I'd accepted reality, but hope was a tricky thing. I couldn't help the sliver of doubt, amongst the nausea that clenched me every time, that maybe, just maybe, even though it was horrible, maybe it could be our release. Our chance to fight back. Instinct of survival brought you only so far when you had no hope of better times.  
I was a hypocrite, I guessed again.  
I filled two trays with the same, monotonous food. I thought about stealing something from the goods taken during the raid, but that would have required a lot of time, and with every second the risk for Wanda to go on exploration to the southern corridors increased.  
I tried to jog on my way back, but the full bowls of soup made it impossible. A sinking feeling gnawed at my stomach.  
The distance from the kitchen to Jared's room seemed to stretch into infinity. I sighed when I finally arrived, and kicked the fragile door away - too forcefully. I wanted to see her, to reassure myself more than her.  
Scanning the room, I felt my face drain of color. Jamie was on the thin, stained mattress, his eyes fluttering and his face somnolent.  
My heart skipped a beat as I assessed the room.  
No Wanda.  
I swore softly and almost dropped the trays, already calculating how quickly I could reach the hospital.  
"Hey, Ian. Oh, you brought food. Wait, where is Wanda? She told me she had forgotten to tell you something."  
I tried to focus on a newly awaken Jamie, despite the loud ringing in my ears. I imagined the scene: gentle, kind Wanda next to the genocide in the room. Her eyes taking in red and silver, mixed together on the cots. An ugly sound escaped my lips.  
In the back of my mind, I realized that if Jamie knew where Wanda had gone, he wouldn't hesitate to follow her, even if it meant limping until he bled himself out.  
"Yeah. Yeah. She...she found me. Nothing important. Went to freshen up. Stay here, kiddo, and eat. I'm going to go look for her."  
I must have been a better liar than I thought I was, because Jamie nodded sheepishly and started to devour the food.  
I turned on my heels and started to run as fast as possible. Panic was making my breath uneven. Few bothered to acknowledge me as I sprinted through the corridors. Despair kept their heads low, their shoulders hunched inward.  
Just when I dared hope that maybe I would get to her in time, I heard a high-pitched sound, like a ear-piercing siren. Weirdly familiar.  
I was reminded of the day Wanda was almost killed. How her scream, the undeniable voice calling for help, had woken me up, brought me and my panicked mind and heaving stomach to her.  
I ran faster.  
First I smelled the metallic odor. Then, above the droning of people, above my labored breath, her words cutting the air.  
"...away from me! Get away; you're MONSTERS! Torturers!"  
Oh, god.  
She was shrieking. I heard Jared's soothing tone - Jared, the swine who brought the fucking people here in the first place - and then her insult.  
"She's hysterical. Hold on."  
A sharp sound, like a whip hitting rock.  
Were they slapping her?  
I shoved those who were in my way, swarming the entrance, not caring about anyone or anybody but her.  
She was near the entrance, back to me, kneeling as brute hands held her low. I recognized Brandt, Kyle...  
Doc and Jared faced her, crouched as if speaking to a small child.  
Wanda wasn't listening to them, but writhing, stirring and screaming at the hands biting into her skin.  
I suddenly had a flash-back, to when Wanda had just arrived and first visited the hospital. Seeing her knees wobble and Jamie and Jeb comforting her, I remember how I laughed at her fears, taunting. _Oh, I'm surprised I didn't think of it_ or something along those lines. What a bastard.  
I blinked, and let reality and rage take me.  
"What are you doing?"  
Kyle - my imbecile, cruel brother - answered me.  
"It's having a seizure or something, Ian. Doc is trying to bring it around."  
Too worried to reprimand the _it_ , I lunged for Wanda, but she suddenly stopped struggling. The guys sighed in relief and let her go. She folded on the floor like a deflated balloon.  
I fell to my knees, cradled her in my arms.  
"Wanda? Wanda, c'mon."  
Only her calm breaths answered. She had passed out.  
"Who let her pass through?!"  
I was roaring, my voice discordant from the delicacy of my hands as they gingerly touched her hair.  
"She's never going to forgive us for this!"  
"Time to kick her out, then."  
My head snapped up, simultaneously with Jeb's and Jared's. _I could kill someone right now,_ I thought.  
They had said they were done. No more deaths, no more broken hope.  
_They had said they were done._  
"You." I said through gritted death, to Jared. "You did this so that you could have your girl back. Who cares about this mess, about Doc, about Wanda? You'd happily kill her if you could."  
I held Wanda closer, as if I could keep her from shattering, not bothering to look up at him to see the reaction.  
I scrambled to my feet, still keeping her body close, and ignoring everyone, I got out.  
When did _this_ happen? When did I stop seeing her as an alien? When had I started...what, liking her? Loving her?  
Quiet voices rose behind me.  
Then, sly footsteps. Jared was stalking me.  
"Go away," I said, without even bothering to look at him.  
Jared caught up with me. "Wait. I'm sorry." I raised my eyebrows, a bit surprised at the apology. "It won't happen again."  
Unimpressed, I tried to take longer steps. Wanda was limp, too light in my hands.  
"Wait, uff. Look, I had to try. After what Wanda told me? Oh, don't look at me like that. As if you're innocent."  
The words hurt, because I knew there was truth in what he was saying. And yet... "How can you be so blind? She is her own person. Yet you don't see her. She is just an hindrance to you, but she's not worth any less than your Melanie." I stopped there, even though I wanted to add: _She's worth more than Melanie. She's worth more than any of us._  
Jared's eyes bulged. "I don't think she is a hindrance. Besides, I didn't think it would scare her. I thought she'd had guessed what we were up to. Looks like I was wrong."  
"You think that's what happened? That she was scared because Doc was trying to take the other souls out?" I said low, hoping not to wake up Wanda. "That she was afraid for herself?"  
Silence stretched. I glared at him.  
"You don't?"  
I growled in frustration, threw back my head. He didn't understand how a soul acted, their nature. Wanda's.  
"No, I don't. As disgusted as I am that you would bring back more...victims for Doc, bring them back now - as much as that hurts my stomach, that's not what upset her. How can you be so blind?" I repeated. "Can't you imagine what must have looked like to her in there?"  
"I know we had the bodies covered-"  
I cut him off. "The wrong bodies, Jared. Oh, I'm sure Wanda would be upset by a human corpse - she's so gentle; violence and death aren't a part of her normal world. But think what the things on the table must have meant to her."  
Jared breathed a single syllable of realization.  
"Yes. If you or I had walked in on a human vivisection, with torn bloody parts, with blood splattered on everything, it wouldn't have been hard for us as it was for her." I thought of the souls, glittering liquid and moving membranes all splayed out. "We'd have seen it all before - even before the invasion, in horror movies, at least. I bet she'd never been exposed to anything like that in all her lives."  
Jared sighed, but I was sidetracked by the shifting weight in my arms. Wanda's big eyes blinked furiously the tears away as she put me into focus.  
"Let me go. Put me down."  
Her words, even though barely more than a hiss, hurt more than her wails.  
"I didn't mean to wake you. I'm sorry." _I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry._  
"Let me go."  
But how could I? I needed to explain.  
"You're not well. I'll take you to your room."  
"No. Put me down."  
"Wanda-"  
A shake - revulsion - rolled into her body and she shrieked "NOW!" before digging her nails into my chest and shoving me. And calm Wanda, whose every movement was thought out, threw herself against me, kicked her legs, pushed me with her wrists with such transportation that I dropped her.  
I almost caught her again, but she got up quicker than I had ever seen her do and ran away. As I called her name and prepared to do the same, a firm hand grabbed my forearm.  
"Let her go."  
"Don't touch me. Wanda, come back!" With a jerk I freed myself of him, but he just sneaked up his arm to lock my chest. My heels stomped the rock. I hit his ribs with my elbow. He grunted, but didn't let go. He was stronger than me.  
"Stop. You wouldn't do any good. She needs to sort this out alone."  
I cursed, but I stopped struggling. As much has I hated to admit it, he was right.  
Wanda needed to time away from us.

—  
"Has someone seen her?"  
"It might have escaped."  
"I bet it's already spilling everything out about us to its parasites!"  
"She'd never do something like that, you know it."  
"Yeah, have you seen her with the kid?"  
Apparently, the others did not think it was a good idea for Wanda to...wander away.  
When we told them that Wanda had disappeared, chaos had exploded. Many were those who were not yet sure of Wanda and were content to tolerate her. The idea that no one knew where he was, now that he had a reason to run away, to want us dead, made them tremble with terror. It took me too long to understand their fears, like slipping back in shed snakeskin. It had been long since I had seen her as a threat.  
I knew Wanda would never do something like that, no matter our wrong-doings.  
The others didn't.  
"Should we pack, Jeb?"  
"There's no nee-"  
"It's too lat-"  
"SHUT IT."  
That was Jared.  
"Wanda did not escape. She has just hidden. All of this time, she has never found nor looked for the exit. We'll just split up in groups and go look for her."  
"Look for little caves in the walls, crevices. If you find her, call Jeb, Jared or me. Some will go outside to look for her. Even if she had gotten out, she couldn't have gone far."  
And so we did. Almost twenty of us, between Lily, Wes, Trudy, Geoffrey, Heath.  
Armed with torchlight, we scanned the whole complex of the caves. Doubts seeped into me. What was she thinking?  
Does she despise us without any possibility for forgiveness? Could we ever deserve that forgiveness? I had tried to kill her. Lifelong hatred seemed like a deserved punishment. I was relentless in my research, urgency driving me. I didn't bother looking for her outside. It was already dark, and I knew in my bones she hadn't ventured out.  
At some point, I stumbled into the little game room, the low rumble of the spring greeting me. We had played there only hours ago, under the high, purple-stained ceiling. The memory was a pang to my chest. I grimaced, even as I quickly scanned it.  
Empty, just like the last seven rooms.

In the end, Geoffrey found her, with Trudy and Heath.  
By an evil twist of irony, she had been in the game room, after all. I hadn't noticed her, curled up as she was.  
I was in the southern corridor when Wes caught up with me. When he told me that they had found her, to say that I ran is a euphemism.  
At the mouth of the room, still short of breath, I found - obviously - Jared.  
"Where is she?"  
"She wants to be alone. Let her be."  
I was angry, angry that all this mess had happened, angry that he had seen her, found her first, decided what she felt. My fists curled.  
"Don't get in my way again, Howe."  
"Do you think she wants comfort from you, a human?"  
"I wasn't party to this-"  
He cut me off. "Not this time. You're one of us, Ian. Her enemy." He spoke in a tamed voice, words poisonous and eyes almost pitying. "Did you hear what she said in there? She was screaming monsters. That's how she sees us now. She doesn't want your comfort."  
His words found home, crunched my fears. I swallowed. I felt the urge to punch him, which was just fun in its sadness. Wanda was right. Violent, angry we were. She was probably expecting us to drag her out, explain that we didn't want to murder her, that since we had an attachment to the body she could stay alive. So I just said,  
"Give me the light.'  
Jared shook his head, but put it in the open hand I had stretched out and walked away, muttering.  
I waited in the dark, unsure for long seconds, before walking quietly along the jagged walls, carefully scanning the crevices as I didn't do the first time around. This time I spotted her. In the blinding light, she was a curled-up ball of sorrow, dirty and tense. A curtain of burnished chestnut hair hid her face.  
She shifted, but didn't bother to raise her eyes.  
And I thought, _I can't leave her_. Not like this. Not now. But I also knew that she wouldn't get out of that hole, no matter who I was or what I said.  
I thought of how she had forgiven me, how she had been my friend even though I had been set on getting rid of her. I thought of her kindness. Maybe I was a monster, and I couldn't realize the atrocities I was responsible for, but I could try. I wanted to, for her.  
So I shut off the light and sat beside her instead.


End file.
